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Often times in these situations we tend to focus only on our own feelings and frustrations, never considering what the other party(ies) we are in conflict with may be feeling or what frustrates them.
The old saying "It takes two to tango" is very apt in these situations. Sometimes we need to try and see things as they may be seeing them. Try looking at the dynamic of your father son relationship from his perspective and it may be a humbling experience and may just maybe, let you understand the son is a product of his parents parenting skills.
So at the risk of upsetting you maybe I can also enlighten you to other things to consider.
Now granted I know nothing of the true dynamics of the real facts or even when you became disabled or how old all the parties were when it happened...... but consider some things that may not be getting considered.
Now then, your son probably feels you judge him unfairly....and this may or may not have been something he has felt for many, many years. His lack of ambition may be a result of his low-self esteem from years of being judged in a negative manner. So he may feel he can never satisfy your expectations for him so he doesn't even try anymore. So he feels like you judge him as "less" of a son than other people's sons. How could he not when he hears you compare his lack of accomplishments or abilities with other men his age. And I can tell you are actually ashamed of him and consider him an embarrassment. He probably knows all this if in fact it is the case and now you should consider what that may be like...or was like as he was coming up.
Now then....Let's consider YOUR defects in this situation. (This the part that may upset you so be ready)
In all your own strongly held beliefs that your son was coming up short in his role as your son...have you considered how you may have come up short as his father?
You think he doesn't measure up to other "sons" his age but have you also judged yourself as a father to him against all the other fathers he may have come in contact with over the years?
Like I mentioned earlier in this post, It takes two to tango. There is always another side to the coin.
I'm not sure if this even applies not knowing when you became disabled, but if it was when he was just a boy, he may have dealt with things you haven't considered. Have you considered that maybe he was picked on as a child because of your disability? If it's fair for you to judge him coming up short as his son, perhaps he is judging you as coming up short as his father. It sounds cruel, but is judging him not also cruel?
There seems to be a common thread in these conflicts you are having with your family and hers....you are quick to judge them and then label them as something less than desirable.
But I wonder what the boy thought all those years his father was unable to do "Father and son things" he observed others doing that his father was incapable of doing because of his disability.
Does he call you a cripple or judge you negatively because of your disabling condition? I mean to be fair...if you can judge him and call him names why would he feel obligated to be nice?
Your disability, whether you acknowledge it or not, affected you, Bunny and the son. It's not just you that is a victim.
Now like I said....maybe none of that above applies and I'm just trying to get you to see things from another perspective in the hopes it may resonate with you.
Sounds like your son has issues with you. Sounds like Bunny has issues with you too. If she is the love of your life and the boy is your heir, you should try to do whatever you can to make things better between everyone involved. But first we have to recognize our own shortcomings and try to change the things we are doing that may be causing conflict with the family we have. It's just unavoidable that something has to change. That change may have to come through you.
The old saying "It takes two to tango" is very apt in these situations. Sometimes we need to try and see things as they may be seeing them. Try looking at the dynamic of your father son relationship from his perspective and it may be a humbling experience and may just maybe, let you understand the son is a product of his parents parenting skills.
So at the risk of upsetting you maybe I can also enlighten you to other things to consider.
Now granted I know nothing of the true dynamics of the real facts or even when you became disabled or how old all the parties were when it happened...... but consider some things that may not be getting considered.
Now then, your son probably feels you judge him unfairly....and this may or may not have been something he has felt for many, many years. His lack of ambition may be a result of his low-self esteem from years of being judged in a negative manner. So he may feel he can never satisfy your expectations for him so he doesn't even try anymore. So he feels like you judge him as "less" of a son than other people's sons. How could he not when he hears you compare his lack of accomplishments or abilities with other men his age. And I can tell you are actually ashamed of him and consider him an embarrassment. He probably knows all this if in fact it is the case and now you should consider what that may be like...or was like as he was coming up.
Now then....Let's consider YOUR defects in this situation. (This the part that may upset you so be ready)
In all your own strongly held beliefs that your son was coming up short in his role as your son...have you considered how you may have come up short as his father?
You think he doesn't measure up to other "sons" his age but have you also judged yourself as a father to him against all the other fathers he may have come in contact with over the years?
Like I mentioned earlier in this post, It takes two to tango. There is always another side to the coin.
I'm not sure if this even applies not knowing when you became disabled, but if it was when he was just a boy, he may have dealt with things you haven't considered. Have you considered that maybe he was picked on as a child because of your disability? If it's fair for you to judge him coming up short as his son, perhaps he is judging you as coming up short as his father. It sounds cruel, but is judging him not also cruel?
There seems to be a common thread in these conflicts you are having with your family and hers....you are quick to judge them and then label them as something less than desirable.
But I wonder what the boy thought all those years his father was unable to do "Father and son things" he observed others doing that his father was incapable of doing because of his disability.
Does he call you a cripple or judge you negatively because of your disabling condition? I mean to be fair...if you can judge him and call him names why would he feel obligated to be nice?
Your disability, whether you acknowledge it or not, affected you, Bunny and the son. It's not just you that is a victim.
Now like I said....maybe none of that above applies and I'm just trying to get you to see things from another perspective in the hopes it may resonate with you.
Sounds like your son has issues with you. Sounds like Bunny has issues with you too. If she is the love of your life and the boy is your heir, you should try to do whatever you can to make things better between everyone involved. But first we have to recognize our own shortcomings and try to change the things we are doing that may be causing conflict with the family we have. It's just unavoidable that something has to change. That change may have to come through you.
