How offensive is it to ask someone's gender?

method

method

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I'm honestly asking out of respect to someone.

I somewhat frequently encounter a person that I've assumed was female. It appears to me that they are biologically female. I don't care one way or another, and put very little thought into it before recently, but if you were to ask me their biological sex I'd say female.

However I had noticed some interesting things about this person. They do not shave their legs. Not like stubble, it's curly leg hair. Again, not a big deal, I don't really care, I just happened to notice it and it was one of those hmmmm that's interesting moments. But this person also comes off as being a little more progressive, maybe the type that wouldn't care about shaving her legs.

Also, I know this person as Jack. I assumed it was just people calling "her" Jack, short for Jackie. Make zero difference to me one way or another if the name is Jack, Jackie, Jackson, or Jackolantern, but it's one of those names that isn't exactly gender specific.

Then the other day someone said something to me like: down there next to him. (and pointed towards Jack)
And I said: uhhhh next to....?
Down there, next to Jack

Well now I'm confused. Maybe that's just a straight up guy, born male, name Jack. Or a female who is now a male named Jack. Or, maybe the person who said "him" is wrong, maybe it's a girl named Jackie who doesn't shave her legs. Maybe it's a guy transitioning to a girl. I have no fucking idea.

And really don't care, at all, beyond not wanting to be offensive. If that's a dude I don't want to call him her. If it's a girl I don't want to call her him. If it's someone transitioning one way or the other, I'd like to be respectful of that and get it right.

BUT I also feel strange asking. If they are straight up a girl or guy, no gray area, and I ask her gender or pronouns, how fucking offensive is that?? I imagine being told: (and while I'd of course not say it like this, the sentiment would be) hey, I'm having some trouble figuring out if you are a guy, a girl, or what, can you help me out?? is pretty offensive. Imagine your girl coming home and telling you: so Chris in accounting asked if I was a girl or a guy today.

AND very, very worst case, let's say this is a girl transitioning to a guy, or a guy transitioning to girl, and they think they are totally passable and there is no question they are the gender they are. Does me asking that fuck with them?? Do they take it as me just being an asshole because it's so clear what their gender is?
 
method said:
I'm honestly asking out of respect to someone.

I somewhat frequently encounter a person that I've assumed was female. It appears to me that they are biologically female. I don't care one way or another, and put very little thought into it before recently, but if you were to ask me their biological sex I'd say female.

However I had noticed some interesting things about this person. They do not shave their legs. Not like stubble, it's curly leg hair. Again, not a big deal, I don't really care, I just happened to notice it and it was one of those hmmmm that's interesting moments. But this person also comes off as being a little more progressive, maybe the type that wouldn't care about shaving her legs.

Also, I know this person as Jack. I assumed it was just people calling "her" Jack, short for Jackie. Make zero difference to me one way or another if the name is Jack, Jackie, Jackson, or Jackolantern, but it's one of those names that isn't exactly gender specific.

Then the other day someone said something to me like: down there next to him. (and pointed towards Jack)
And I said: uhhhh next to....?
Down there, next to Jack

Well now I'm confused. Maybe that's just a straight up guy, born male, name Jack. Or a female who is now a male named Jack. Or, maybe the person who said "him" is wrong, maybe it's a girl named Jackie who doesn't shave her legs. Maybe it's a guy transitioning to a girl. I have no fucking idea.

And really don't care, at all, beyond not wanting to be offensive. If that's a dude I don't want to call him her. If it's a girl I don't want to call her him. If it's someone transitioning one way or the other, I'd like to be respectful of that and get it right.

BUT I also feel strange asking. If they are straight up a girl or guy, no gray area, and I ask her gender or pronouns, how fucking offensive is that?? I imagine being told: (and while I'd of course not say it like this, the sentiment would be) hey, I'm having some trouble figuring out if you are a guy, a girl, or what, can you help me out?? is pretty offensive. Imagine your girl coming home and telling you: so Chris in accounting asked if I was a girl or a guy today.

AND very, very worst case, let's say this is a girl transitioning to a guy, or a guy transitioning to girl, and they think they are totally passable and there is no question they are the gender they are. Does me asking that fuck with them?? Do they take it as me just being an asshole because it's so clear what their gender is?
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just call him/her it. gender neutral; problem solved.

they love it when you call them it. :thumb:
 
Outside of the workplace....not offensive at all. Especially if you just explain it quickly that you want to be respectful of their feelings and wishes.
 
If you're on friendly terms and this isn't the workplace, maybe something like, "I don't want to be rude, but what's your backstory."

If it's the workplace, I'd just keep the questions in your head. Whole
Lotta bad could come from
Just being curious.

Also, this is a transitioning "male".
 
fordman84 said:
If this is in a place of work, you don't. just call them by what they introduce themselves as and leave it be.
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That's the first rule. If not at work...

If they are transitioning, asking their preferred pronoun is a better way to ask.

But if it’s a dude that you’ve just thought is a girl this whole time, he’s probably going to be pissed. :dhd:
 
Ask to see her/his dick
 
:airquotes: "preferred pronoun"

Arrested Development Eye Roll GIF
 
PackJason said:
I respect people enough to use whatever pronoun they wish ... unless they demand I do it, then they can go fuck themselves.
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i'm kinda like this as well. be respectful it asking/mentioning it and I'll be respectful in using it. get all pissy about it and you can guarantee i'm gonna say the opposite as "fuck you"
 
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