How offensive is it to ask someone's gender?

fordman84 said:
If this is in a place of work, you don't. just call them by what they introduce themselves as and leave it be.
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Also, tell your HR department that you must be referred to, using they/them pronouns. Can't hurt.
 
The very next day after the "him" incident I almost said "she" and stopped myself. I was asked a question and said, "you go first then.....Jack goes". In my mind I said "you go first, then she goes".

I can keep trying to do that but now that I'm keenly aware of this I am afraid I'll slip and would prefer to not offend anyone.

But in a more general sense, is there a non-offensive way to approach this? It seems like the answer is no.
 
My wife suggested I follow them to the bathroom next time to see which form of "relief" they use. I could walk in behind next time I see "them" heading that way. If Jack goes to the urinal in the men's room, case closed, that's a dude. If Jack hits a stall in the men's room, the mystery remains. If she goes to the women's room I need to have a chat with the person who said "him", right??

Also, if I saw Jack walk into the men's bathroom 2 weeks ago I would have reacted as if a woman walked into the men's room and said something like - oh, wrong one, women's room is over there.

I've never seen them enter a bathroom before, though never paid any attention. My impression here is that it's a female transitioning to a man. If that's the case, my guess is they avoid the potential call to attention that picking either bathroom might cause and hold it until they get home.
 
"I dunno what to tell ya, OP"

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method said:
The very next day after the "him" incident I almost said "she" and stopped myself. I was asked a question and said, "you go first then.....Jack goes". In my mind I said "you go first, then she goes".

I can keep trying to do that but now that I'm keenly aware of this I am afraid I'll slip and would prefer to not offend anyone.

But in a more general sense, is there a non-offensive way to approach this? It seems like the answer is no.
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Well...

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HammerDown said:
You mentioned that a few times.
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I really don't care about being embarrassed myself, I'm more worried about offending a nice person, in a manner that may be very sensitive to them, especially if this person is trans. Or if they are not trans and I assume a girl is a guy or a guy is a girl that's not exactly a great thing. I think in your very reasonable analysis you are losing sight of how crazy it would be for someone you've interacted with more than a few times to (basically) ask: so are you a boy or a girl, I can't tell??

Again, not that I'd put it in those terms, but can you honestly imagine someone saying: it's down there next to her, next to Facts. And you hearing that and having to say: oh, no, I'm a man. As an abstract idea that sounds reasonable. In practice I think it sounds crazy.

I'm just gonna keep trying to avoid gender pronouns I guess.
 
To be frank I've found if there's legitimate ambiguity and you just simply get it wrong the person tends to be a lot more understanding with it so long as you are respectful of that moving forward. From many of the trans people I've met they find it just comes with the territory when transitioning.

Those who are going to snap at you if you ask or if you guess and get it wrong just aren't worth the time.
 
fordman84 said:
If this is in a place of work, you don't. just call them by what they introduce themselves as and leave it be.
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It's not work. Hard to explain really but it's more of a recreational environment.
 
If you can't tell, "it" is the proper pronoun.

I always tell fat chicks "congratulations on the baby" too. I wouldn't want to be rude and not wish them well - if they're actually preggers.
 
So one thing does Jack have an adams apple?

also you could take jack to lunch fill jack up with booze and see which restroom jack goes into then you know which gender they "identify" with.

You could say Hey just curious do you have 2 x chromosomes or are is it XY?
 
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